What She's Doing Now

What She's Doing Now

Last time I saw her, it was turnin' colder
But that was years ago
Last I'd heard she had moved to Boulder
But where she's now, I don't know
But there's somethin' 'bout this time of year
That spins my head around
Takes me back, makes me wonder
What's she doin' now

"cause what she's doin now is tearin' me apart
Fillin' up my mind and emptyin' my heart
I can hear her call  each time the cold wind blows
And I wonder if she knows..what she's doin' now

Just for laughs I dialed her old number
But no one knew her name
Hung up the phone, sat there and wondered
If she'd ever done the same
I took a walk in the evenin' wind
To clear my head somehow
But tonight I lie here thinkin'
What's she doin' now

'Cause what she's doin' now is tearin' me apart
'Fillin up my mind and emptying my heart
I can hear her call each time the cold wind blows
And I wonder if she knows...what's she's doin' now

'Cause what she's doin' now is tearin' me apart
Fillin' up my mind and emptying my heart
I can hear her call each time the cold wind blows
And I wonder if she knows...what she's doin' now

I love this old Garth Brooks song. It brings back lots of memories for me..some good, some not so good. But such is life. Do we all actually find our one 'true love' ? If we do, do we know it ? Or do we screw it up and spend the rest of our lives waiting for it to appear again.Or do we 'settle' on someone, while we wait ? Is that really fair to you or to the other person ?What happens if  'the one' thinks you're an idiot, or you simply don't try to tell them. Or you're best friends who see each other through the heartaches and disappiontments of life. Comfortable enough to know practically everything about each other,even perhaps dependent on each other, but never taking that final step. Why ? Because you're scared to lose them, that's why. They are your security blanket, your secret teddy bear or stuffed animal you sleep with at night. Everybody has one, admit it. I have my pillow its 46 years old, there's not much left of the insides, but its mine.It has gone everywhere with me. Vacations, cruises, football games,you name it. It even goes to the hospital with me.Even when I slept for a long time after my surgeries, in ICU, everywhere.I guess the ICU nurse tried to get it way from me when I was out of it, and I wouldnt give it up no matter what.When I finally realized what was going on a day and a 1/2 later, I had it tucked under my arm. LOL But I digress.
Now, those of you who know me know that I am going through a divorce right now. She left me for another man (men)last Sept. But she had actually been doing this behind my back for years, according to her facebook page.But she's not the one this song is about for me. This song reminds me of someone whom I fell in love with at first sight. This happened a looooong time ago. I think about her and smile everyday. But she will probably never know..and that's ok. She has a great life now, and I have the flaming wreckage of mine. If I close my eyes, I can remember when we met, her voice and her beauty. I think she actually liked me, but I was too stupid and dumbfounded to figure it out.  So dear, no matter what song I liked, I whistled, the poems that I wrote, all that stuff didn't pertain to you anyway. You can screw as many men as you want to, including the two you are stringing along now. Oh, and I heard that I interrupted something when I called you in mexico.Did you stop long enough to answer the phone and hang up on me, or did we keep right on going ? I hope youre proud of yourself . Maybe it wont get you as excited if you're not married anymore,is that why you're dragging you feet ? Or is it the extra weight frombeing mounted all the time ? Have a nice life. By the way drop my name, you don't deserve it. How do you like them apples.  (all kinds of ways from what I hear)

To Whom It May Concern

Not Ready To Make Nice

Forgive ? Sounds good
Forget ? I don't think I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting

I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'm still paying

I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
"Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do the things you think I should

I know you said
Can't you just get over it ?
It turned my whole world around
And I kinda like it

I'm not ready to make nice
Im not ready to back down
'Cause I'm mad as hell, and I don't have time
To go round and round and round

It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
"cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do what you think I should

Forgive ?  sounds good
Forget ? I don't think I could
They say time heals everything.....
I'm still waiting

It's Hot and I'm Ornery

This post may offend you. To be honest, it offends me. I have an incurable, fatal disease. It is called diabetes. No I don't have cancer. I know that cancerhas affected lots of people that I know. They have lost loved ones. Sisters, brothers, friends. I have felt their grief. But my disease is just as deadly, just as painful, just as slow. My body is being shut down, piece by piece, organ by organ, limb by limb. Yet I have heard my disease called the "fat people's" disease. That offends me. I became diabetic during the first week of April of 1986. I dislocated my left knee in spring football practice. My life changed when I hit the ground. It hasn't been the same since that moment. I have been slowly dying. I went 1 year before being diagnosed. They found out after I went blind. Since that time I have had 12 surgeries, spent months in the hospital at different times and have lost both legs. But I am not looking for sympathy or pity. I would just like people to take diabetes seriously. It is one of the top killers of people every year, yet it is not the current 'cause" disease. Diabetes has many causes, and some times it is inherited. Mine was. I have relatives on both sides of my family who were diabetic. It skips generations. My grandkids will have to be checked, but hopefully, by then they will be close to or have a cure for it., but for now there isn't any.  I fight it every day. I am lucky enough to have an insulin pump whick gives me insulin every hour/24 hours a day. When I eat I enter the amount of carbs that I eat, and it gives me a boost to cover it. I love it, because it means no shots. Usually I had to take 3 shots/day.Blood sugars are taken before every meal and at bedtime. The meter tells my pump the result and it adjusts accordingly. All of that side of it is going well, but my kidneys are running at 50%, and I will never get my legs back. So the next time you hear someone make a snide comment about diabetes, set them straight. Just look around and see how many people have been affected by cancer, then think about the even larger amount that are affected by diabetes. Then get yourself checked. Do it for me, better yet, do it for yourself.

Is It Me ?

Is it me , or am I the only who couldn't care less what happens to Casey Anthony. She was tried and acquitted,  and no matter how hard it is, its time to get over it. The hourly updates from Nancy Grace are getting old. The media is obsessed with this case, it will not be happy until something happens to Anthony, and they can broadcast the entire thing live. It's just pathetic.I dont wish her dead, I don't want to kill her, I just want her to go away. Nancy grace can go live with her and obsess on her every move. I could care less. I see there wasn't much of fuss made of the alleged murder/suicide in Grand Ridge, the other day. Didn't those two boys deserve the same outcry, and wailing as the other case generated and is STILL generating. Or is it that Nancy Grace isn't featuring this case. Or the dozens of kids who are murdered every day? Those two boys are just as dead, and their deaths were just as gruesome, yet no news cameras ? I think that every kid who is killed deserves justice. Unfortunately the mother in Grand Ridge let the fire do that. But according to the prelim. reports, the fire didnt kill them, they were dead before it got to them.Does that mean that because the mother killed herself before the flames got to her, that those kids did not get 'justice' for her alleged actions ?  It just seems to me that people are seemimgly more bloodthirsty now than ever. And the media is more than happy to give them what they want,

My Facebook Page : Love It or Leave It !

I have been having a little debate with myself about what to write about. Politics ? Nah, Maybe later.Books ? Music ? Maybe. I finally decided on something, that I thought would be entertaining, or at least mildly interesting for my peeps who check on the page pretty much every day. My visit count is closing in on 100 ! I would like to thank each and every one of you! Even if its only 1 person who looked 92 times !  Thank you too ! LOL! As I was saying today's topic was kinda dumped in my lap. Those of you who know me know me know that my personal life has pretty much collapsed into a heap during the last year or so. I have a lot of friends who have helped me navigate through this mess and I thank you for it. I use my facebook page to kinda vent my feelings through music and movie clips, whatever.. There has been some grumbling about the amount of stuff that I post, especially songs. I know that sometimes theres a lot of stuff posted at one time, depending on how I feel. Just listen to the music and you can tell. Listen to THE WORDS, usually the lyrics they usually have meaning to me so I post them. Sometimes I have them there so I can listen to them without digging them up all of the time. LOL. But I apparently made the mistake of posting the Dixie Chicks once too often. I'm not ready to make nice fits me, as well as Cold day in July. THEY FIT ! Now tonight I got a private message from someone haraunging (sp) me about posting too much "shit" with all of the shit music and shit cartoons and whatnot on my page. It also went on to say that I was a loser and should quit posting all of the shit and shut up. Now when I stopped laughing, I began to think about what was written. The more I read the more pissed off I became. Now, I really dont care what people think about what I post, Don't look at it dont listen, dont read, dont breathe,dont anything  Just stay away from  my page, its mine, not yours! Thank you for your comments! I hope you got off on writing them! Personally I would think that you could find something better to look at that my page when you play with yourself, but to each his own I guess ! But you wont be seeing me because you got deleted after a few choice words from me. You started it, I ended it. All done. Bye Bye ! LOL. If you want drama, welcome to my world ! I'm in it up to my eyes ! If you want to walk a mile in my shoes, go ahead, They're over in the corner on my legs, but take care of them I only have one pair. Legs and shoes, if you need clarification ! If you dont know what that means look it up. I already spelled it for you. Asswipe ! To my facebook friends, it wasn't one of you, so dont worry about it. Enjoy the music and the whatnot on my page I will try not to clutter up your pages with a lot of "shit".  As the saying goes, if you cant stand the shit, stay out of the sewer plant ! Just think I did all that ranting without one mention of the "F" word ! Maybe next time.

Old Hank

Hank Williams Sr. died when he was 29 years old. He died in the backseat of his car on the way to a concert on New Years Eve.He died of alcohol poisoning.  He was a young man who was miserable over a woman. He and the love of his life were in constant turmoil and the pressure eventually caught up with him. Now there were probably other reasons that added to the problems that he had, but she was the main one, he admitted it himself. If you listen to his music, you can hear the pain in his voice. It's just sad. Now you may be saying to yourself, I really could care less about Hank Williams. That's fine, you can do what you want, thats ok with me. Now those of you who know me may or may not know that the last year or so of my life has been a complete train wreck. I spent most of last year in and out of the hospital, I had 3 operations, the last one was the amputation of my lower left leg, my house went into foreclosure, my wife left me and took up with a guy(or 2),and my daughter totalled my truck on News Years Day (1 month after I paid it off). I think old Hank would've had a field day with all that.Now I am beginning to understand the pressures that made him do what he did. But fortunately I have a lot of friends who care about me to counteract the problems. Although it (The pressure)  is always there.Always waiting to jump out of the dark and take a swipe at me when I'm feeling better about everything. My next divorce court is July 20. I aim to end it that day, win or lose, whatever.On July 21 I will come on here and make my final statement about that. It will be no holds barred, so mark your calender. I have taken the high road in all this mess. But when it ends, I will start telling the truth. Theres nothing like a Bear with a sore ass, its not good. Oh well, there's always tomorrow to write about flowers and rainbows and such...but that wouldn't be as much fun, now would it.

Space - The final frontier

I watched the space shuttle launch this morning, did you ?  It is still amazing to watch as it goes into space live as it happens from cameras on the shuttle. In 2 minutes they wre doing over 4000 mph ! To think that things like this are commonplace in our world is also amazing. To think that kids growing up now will always have computers and cell phones. is crazy. Yes I am OLD enough to remember dial telephones and black and white tvs that were always blowing tubes, Hense the tv repairman ! LOL To top it off, you had to get up to change the channel ! (the nerve !) Take your pick, channels 2,5,7,9,11 and 13.....if the wind was right ! We take things for granted  now that were science fiction when our parents were in school. I did my term paper in high school on a manual typewriter, What a pain in the ass ! No spell check, no delete button. If you made aa mistakeat the bottom of the page, you retyped the whole thing. Teachers would measure te margins aanwith rulers and dock you points for not having them right ! We won't even get started about grade school at St Stephen's ! Maybe later I'll curl your hair with some stories of growing up there ! lol Well, time for bed ! But first maybe I'll tune my digital scanner and see if I can hear the space shuttle. No ? Then I'll turn on the NASA chaannel on the dish and see what they're doing live and  listen in t their radio traffic as well. Ho hum......

Whatnot

There are lots of things to discuss today. But alas I have a splitting headache so I better not say nasty things like I want to... But To start this off...the kid on the front page of the paper who tried to kill himself with fireworks, sorry I have no sympathy Thats mean, I know but there is a parential issue with this. who bought the kid the big mortar tube fireworks ? 2. How and why did he get them to his buddies house and get away with being unsupervised when it happened ? He is 13 ! What exactly did they think  was going to happen ? Then to top it off have a big story on the front page of the paper with your names and his picture splashed all over it. Makes you look like a couple of geniuses. I dont know you, you might be great parents, BUT now the whole world thinks you are idiots for letting the kid have them in the first place.  Now I know that teengers arent easy to deal with. I've been through it myself, no matter what you say or try to get through their thick heads they do exactly the opposite, just to piss you off. They know everything and will tell you just how stupid you are. Then something happens and its YOUR fault not theirs.  Well my favorite 'lesson' saying was  If  you give them enough rope, sooner or later they will hang themselves even if they don't know how to tie a knot. One time my daughter got into trouble and I launched into my speech about responsibility.  My daughter said yeah I know, I hung myself ! and I said why yes you did, way to go. Then she said But YOU gave me the rope ! LOL You just cant win with kids. I do hope that kid fully recovers from his injuries, no one should go through that.  Now what else do  I have to complain about ? Oh theres lots but I need to get to sleep, otherwise I'll be cranky tomm. Cranky bears aren't easy to deal with and I could really get rolling after that ! By the way I see that my page visits are going up ! Thank you for visiting, I appreciate it ! Leave a comment if you like, if not come back soon !

Anger Management

Growing up I was the short fat kid who didnt say much. I was always picked last, you know that kid. I played 1 year of little league. I played in the late innings because the coach HAD to play me. I got 1 hit, a blooper to right field ( I still have the little article from the paper to prove it. I was hit 8 times by pitches. I got it in the ribs, ass, shoulder , arms, etc. The last time I caught one in the side of the head, It knocked me down and my helmet went flying. I never batted again. The pitcher was grinning and people were laughing as I got up. I never forgot that. But I discovered that football was my sport, and that was that. I started every game from 5th grade until my last game of senior year of high school. Well I met up with that pitcher one day my junior year.. We were practicing punt returns he was covering them and I was on the return team. We would peel off to one sideline or the other and form a line 10 yds apart. The back would catch the ball and run between us and the sideline. As he came by we would turn upfield and look to seal off the gaps in the line. Well as I turned around and started upfield,here came that guy. He was watching the back all the way,and not me. His mistake. He got into the gap and thought he was going to make a great play. He never saw me. I got a 10 yard head start and hit him right below his pads . It drove them right into his chin and he landed on his shoulder blades. He got up eventually and started bitching. I said that's for hitting me in the head in little league. He just laughed and said, ok we're even. And that was that. I played angry and apparently I yelled and talked alot. I really dont remember that, but my teammates do. lol. Hence the nickname Bear. My freshman year the coach was yelling at me for some reason and said "Christ,Elko, you're like a bear with a sore ass !" Everyonr laughed and the name stuck. I have  very slow fuse, but there are some things that get me pissed immediately. One is guys abusing their girlfriends and people who abuse animals. I have zero tolerence for that shit.  Once upon  time fter a softbll game we all went up to Risleys to havea few beers. There was a bunch of us still in our uniforms and bsome ladies standin around basically having a good time. Well this short comes over and starts argueing with one of the ladies. Naturally I couldnt keep my mouth shut so I went over and told him to beat it. He glared at me then walked away then he comes back and grabs her by the elbow and shoves her into the wall. all I heard
was fuckin bitch and I heard her yelp when she hit the wall. I grabbed him and it was on. I vwanted to get him down and stomp him with my baseball spikes, but people seperated us and he wanted to go outside. So there we were out on the sidewalk. He was barking at me but wasnt trying anything. I dont think he realized how big I was until we got out there. He was about three inch shorter than me. I thought it was funny I was still mad, but I knew he was all mouth. So after a couple minutes of his barking, I called him a fuckin midget and he charged me. The first time, I kinda swatted him, but he came back at me. So I grabbed him by the throat and picked him off  the ground with my right hand. I brought him in face to facen and said I am not her you fuckin midget !I'm gonn kill you~ He was starting to turn purple and I was shakingnlike like a rag doll, he kept hitting my arm but I wouldnt nlet go. I was going to stuff him through the front window of the bar I cocked my arm back to throw him and a bunch of people grabbed me and got my hand away from his throat. Pretty soon they were trying to get me back in the bar It took 5 people to get me calmed down. So this idiot starts yelling more shit. I wheeled around and they dragged me in the bar and locked me in the bathroom until I calmed down. The guy came in again and someone said you better get the fuck out of here or I'll let him out! He left and that was the end of my one and only bar fight.

Trials,Verdicts and comments, oh my !

>Now that THE trial is over, let the circus begin ! The unexpected verdict has everyone in an uproar. I don't blame you because I'm kinda disgusted about it myself. The images of the defense team jumping and high fiving at their "private" party is only throwing more gas on the growing fire. The fingerpointing of the talking heads and their experts has begun.The whole thing stinks if you ask me. There is still lots of money and fame to be mined out of this deal. Everybody will get their share, except the little girl. She won't get her life back. That's something that was taken from her by some stupid dumbass who got away with it. But they will pay eventually. Somewhere, somehow it will catch up with them and they will pay for what they did. What goes around comes around. That's all I have to say about that .

Things I Have Learned

1. Ozzie Guillen cannot hear me no matter how loud I yell at the tv.
2. Reality shows aren't actually real.
3. Never burn a bridge while you're standing in the middle of it.
4. The Titanic will always sink, no matter how many times you watch the movie.
5.Some people just don't get it.
6.When you go to the store, you will buy a bunch of stuff you dont need, and forget the thing you went there to buy in the first place.
7.Your dog is your best friend.
8.Jimmy cracked corn, and he didn't care.
9.Nothing is as easy as it looks/sounds.
10. Hard lessons are the easiest to learn.












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Happy Independence Day !

During your celebrating today, remember those who are working to keep you safe and happy today. Law enforcement , the fire dept, the ambulance personnel and everyone else who is working today. Also remember the servicemen and women who are spread out all over the world defending our nation. and those who fought and died to give you the privledge of living in a free nation. They died defending you, remember that ! Have a happy and safe 4th !

Reasons for writing

Many people have asked me why I am writing a book about fires. Well its history that I am interested in. Some of the things I have written about have largely been forgotten. I want people to remember that 2 Streator firefighters were killed by a collapsing wall in 1929. I would like people to remember that a fireman named Lawrence McGurk saved one person, and was blown off of a ladder trying to get another, he fell 15 feet. That happened July 14, 1958 at the Williams Hardware fire, where 6 people died in an explosion and fire on S. Vermillion Street. There is a drive in bank there now.  I do need to say that I do not like fire. In fact I have alwaysa fear of getting burned. Why ? I dont really know. I really dont have a good reason for it.  I did go to a  a lady on a dare once who did readings of your past life and that sort of thing. Now I had never seen her before, she knew nothing about me. I wore plain clothes so I wouldnt give her any way to guess her way around me. She started out with some basic stuff, some of which was close, but pretty generic. Then she got really quiet and just stared at me. I was getting pretty creeped out. Then she said "everytime you go by a fire station you look in dont you. Again pretty genericstuff could've been a good guess. So I played along said yes, just to see what was going to happen. Then she says, Do you like Colorado ? I'm thinking ohoh, left field. Then she says do you like fire ?  No, not really I said. She says Do you want to know why? Now I'm really getting wierded out. Sure, I guess. I replied Then  she says are you sure? Sure i said. Ok she says. I see you in an open window, in a small town out west. Colorado perhaps, Old West. Wooden building, you re on the second floor in a window. Surrounded by smoke. Thick black smoke. Do you like to wear hats ? More from left field. Yes I said, now I'm really interested, but trying not to show it. You are wearing a helmet, black, leather, with a big point on the front top also with the number 3 on it. You have a dark blue shirt with two rows of gold buttons. I cant see you very well because of the smoke. You are handing a woman out of the window to another fireman near the window  on a ladder. You are gulping air but have disappeared again there are flames licking the top of the window, you appear again this time with a baby. You are handing it to another man on the ladder. Your shirt is starting to smolder, and the man on the ladder is trying to grab you but you fall back into the room. There is an explosion and the fire fills the window, you died. You burned to death. I see your helmet on the ground, next to the building it is smoking. I hear yelling, the water from the hose cant reach the window, but it doesnt matter anyway.  By now I was staring at her with my mouth open. I really didnt expect such a long story, especially one where I died ! Several years later the movie Backdraft came out and the opening scene where the kid goes to the fire with his dad and the dad is killed in an explosion, his helmet lands on the ground and is smoking, freaked me out ! So maybe that's why I dont like fire, and am always scared of getting burned. I've even been told numerous times that my lucky number is three several times ! Maybe its a coincidence, maybe not, who really knows except maybe me and that old lady.

Huh ?

Why is it that people are always in a hurry ? Maybe I notice it more because I'm slow. Especially in Walmart and Krogers. Yeah I'm slow, so what ! Maybe if you really looked at me before you ram me with your cart, you'd see that I dont have any legs, not that you really care, because you're in a hurry .Where exactly are you going anyway? The store is open 24 hours a day, go later then you can run all you want and not hit anybody. But thats not easy when you got to bed after Wheel Of Fortune every night ! Oh and you 400 pounders that feel you have a right to use the electric carts, get off your ass and walk ! Thats why I grin at you when I walk by! Oh I know that's not nice but so what. I am diabetic, my disease is not contageous,so dont cringe an pull your kids closer to you when i walk by. And teach them not to point and stare, thats pretty rude if you ask me. Yes I can see them I'm not blind, just slow.

Opening Shots

Welcome to my little corner of the internet ! If you are easily offended, well don't say I haven't warned you. Feel free to post or say whatever you want, but just remember it is MY corner so what you see is what you get ! Sometimes I cuss when I get ornery, so you can too ! You can vent about whatever you want, just remember what goes around comes around, so if you scorch someone's ass, don't be suprised if you get it back ! Like I said, we're all adults here, so at least pretend to act like it !